Shameless Indulgence
by orthankg1
Summary: This is just a placefor my crazy ideas that randomly pop up and need a placeto go. A one shot collection of my insane ideas that will not make a full story. Hopefully you will all enjoy it, and I can finally expel these plot bunnies. Prompt if you want, I make no promices.
1. Banana Peel

**Shameless Indulgence.**

 **The title says it all, this is my shameless indulgence into certain things, namely beating on Hook in this case.**

 **Please feel free to leave prompts and so forth, I will try and update this daily for December at least.**

 **And fair warning, I am taking everything when it comes to logic and cannon and throwing it out the window. These are meant to be fun little snippets, not well developed masterpieces, meaning bunnies might talk, Henry might sing Sesame Street, or Charming/David might dress as a clown. It's really all about just what I was feeling that day. Or whatever prompt I chose to do.**

 **It also means that this might be rated anything from K to T in content that day. Today I'd say is K+ or low T. I'll try and give fair warning.**

* * *

Banana Peel.

* * *

Backstory: Rumple has a book of joke curses.

* * *

He was a little known fact, after all compared to mages like Merlin or Rumpelstiltskin, who cares about Jeko Dunn Koobrs, the jokester mage.

Not to say he wasn't powerful, in his own way at least, it's just, when all of your spells and curses involve practical jokes, some form of humor, or something silly happening, nobody really finds you useful. Causing someone to fall down stairs isn't the most effective trap one can imagine, or a spell to make a pie fly at a person's face after its done baking in an oven only goes over so well, and it a waste of perfectly good pie.

But he stood by his work, and the fact that people always came to his door wet after one of his water lilies, his took their name a little more literally then other flowers, had got them as they walked by, life was good enough for him without fame of fortune.

That is until the day Rumpelstiltskin came to his door, wet and angary.

However, very surprisingly, Jeko did survive this encounter mostly unscathed. When the Dark One demanded to know what the hell was the flower growing in front of the gate, Jeko explained, shakily, about his creation and how amusing a plant they were, trying to show him the humor in his garden.

And he did, the Dark One himself actually found the spells Jeko showed him rather amusing, instantly seeing how they could be used on certain pests in his life. And offered to let Jeko live in exchange for a copy.

The man agreed.

And for the next month both Cora and Blue could not figure out why their wardrobes had swapped.

* * *

" _Maledictio_ _enim velut sapientum fixa folliculis calceamenta tua labatur_." Very loosely translated it means " _A curse that as if they were banana peels, your shoes shall slide_." A perfect for what he wanted to do.

All Gold had to do was enchant a banana peel with a bit of hooks hair, and find someplace safe to keep it, and then, until the banana peel rotted so that there was no more yellow, Hook would find standing for more than a minute quite a challenge.

* * *

"The secret to being a good pirate, lad, is not just one thing." Hook said while he was sitting at Granny's, talking with Henry. "You must be able to have a nose for treasure, an eye for weakness, be able to feel the air around you and find the fastest winds. And that is just when it comes to the ship, you have to have other skills as well, a vast knowledge of trade routes, a sixth sense for the real versus the very good forgery, and when you fight, on the open ocean, where the ground is as fluid and changing as the ocean. "He then jumped up, and looked like he was holding a sword for a fight. "And that's why you must be agile, and move like a cat…" But then as Hook took his first step he lost his footing and fell, smacking his face against the table before falling back against the ground.

"If that's fluid and agile, I think you should stick with solid and firm Henry." Leroy said from his seat at the bar. And several patrons were covering their mouths, trying not to laugh at the severely dazed pirate.

"Don't lessen to them lad, even the best man occasionally loses his footing on even the most even ground." Hook said, slowly trying to get up. "I once knew a man who feel three times, even twisted his ankle from slowly turning in place on a hills path, poor man couldn't face the crew for a weeeee…" But as he was trying to turn himself to face Henry after just getting up off the floor, Hook once again fell.

This time he flew backwards, his legs going high into the air, smacking the back of his head on a bar stool before his legs slammed to the ground with a resounding thud.

"I wonder how long it will be before he can face his crew again." Sneasy said.

"GRANNY!" Hook yelled. "Did you wax these floors recently?" He said trying again to get up, but fell again before he was half way up, landing face first on the floor. "Or clean them in the last decade?"

* * *

Hook's lack of control and coordination continued throughout the day. He tripped over himself and fell into people, cars, lampposts, fences, flowerbeds, and once or twice oncoming traffic. He fell down the stairs, he somehow fell up the stairs, and he fell and pulled down 5 rows of book shelves. He went and played pool at the rabbit hole, but his lack of good footing caused him to lose $350.

Eventually he decided to pay a visit to the only man who could have done this to him, the crocodile. "Gold, what…" But he then tripped over the welcome mat, landing elbows first. "Ahh."

"My, my, my, captain, I must say you don't look good, like you got hit by a truck and then were mistaken for a piñata." And he wasn't just taunting the pirate, the man did look awful.

"Yes, I can only assume this is your doing."

"Mine?" Gold said looking shocked. "And just what have I done?"

"You've made it so that every few steps I take it's like I'm sliding on ice."

Gold just smirked; the loophole was just sitting there. "Hook, really. First of all, I can honestly tell you that while there are spells to make ice, there is yet to be one made that would cause you to slip like you were on it with each step. And even if I was behind it, don't you think I'd be a little more lethal in my methods?"

"Falling into the path of a minivan is pretty lethal I hear."

"Be that as it may, I would want something a little more sure fire to take care of you. But regardless, I have note cast a spell on you that would cause you to slide like you are on ice."

Hook just glared at him for a moment, but then gave up and left when he saw there was nothing more to be done. He fell twice trying to get to the door, and three more times going down the street.

"On spell that makes you slip like you're on a banana peel cast on a banana peel however, that has been made and I would cast." Gold said before turning around to go into his back room. There was a spell he had been working on ever sense Henry had introduced him to YouTube and Tim Hawkins. "Child birth is the most painful thing a person can endure, a close second is stepping on a Lego." Gold said to himself as he tried to get it to work.

"Maledictus es inter vos sentio amo ambulant paulo coloris cuneos marginibus acuto." Loosely meaning. "You are cursed to feel like you walk on little colored blocks with sharp edges."

Unfortunately it wasn't working as well as he hoped. But maybe next week it would.

* * *

Hook ended up in the hospital, after going down three flights of stairs faster than prescribed and missing almost all of the forth completely. He had seven broken ribs, his color bone was broken in three places, his left arm was basically gravel, he dislocated every joint in his right leg and broke his left knee while he ruptured his achilles tendon.

Doctor Whale prescribed him almost a years' worth of surgeries and physical therapy before he could even begin to move his arm, and six months of surgeries and physical before they would let him even be in a wheel chair with the legs down.

"My, my, that dose look painful." Gold said, appearing next to Hook who jolted upon seeing him. "Honestly, a fake letter from Emma and you went running. Or, I guess it was more stumbling wasn't it, ah well, minor details." Gold then poked his side, causing Hook to make a painful noise. "Yep, that hurts doesn't it? Now the real question is, do I turn off your pain killers of not?" Gold then flicked his wrists and suddenly pain Hook was sure was literally exploding from every cell in his body, but luckily after a moment it stopped. The worst part was he couldn't even scream for help, his vocal cords were too damaged.

"No screaming, that dose take the fun out of it all doesn't it." Gold said smiling. Hook glared at him. "Oh, I know that look, that look says 'why me, what have I done?' Well we all know what you did and have done for so long. This is just the particular moment I've decided to make you suffer for it."

* * *

 **I know this has plot holes a plenty, that's why this is a** **Shameless Indulgence** **, I am ignoring the rules of writing that would make this better in order to quickly produce something that, while bad, might bring some people enjoyment.**

 **Twilight** **and** **50 Shades of Grey** **case in point.**

 **So please, read, review, and if you want, leave a prompt or two.**

 **P.S. I know I'm being snarky, but my beta told me the day before it aired that she is a diehard RumBelle fan and will go down with that ship. Sorry to have to tell you this Grace5231973 (even so I will be a little smug) but it seems as if that ship has been very much shot down.**

 **I for one am saying thank heavens; it finally sunk after a year of taking on water. And while I might get a lot of flak for this, I do believe that Belle is the main reason this happened.**


	2. Sword Schooled

Sword Schooled

* * *

"Welcome to knight school." David said to Henry. They were in the forest, Henry had expressed a wish to learn how to sword fight a week ago. David and Gold had said they would teach him, even though David had said that he was perfectly capable of teaching henry on his own.

 _"You cheat when you fight."_

 _"And yet, I live, I slightly more important detail then weather or not I 'cheat'. And unlike you, who has only known how to fight and practiced for 6 years, I have spent a total of 201,480 hours learning how to fight." Gold then smirked. "And for those of you, David, who are bad at math, that is 23 years' worth of none stop, no breaks, learning how to fight with a sword."_

"So, what's first?" Henry asked.

"Well, first your grandfather David will show you how to lose, and I will show you how to win." Gold said.

"Hay, maybe I will win this fight."

"Alright, lets test this theory." Gold then drew his sword, and faster than David could draw his sword out completely, had slapped David's hand forcing him to drop the sword, and then had the pointy end at his neck. "Rule number one, don't waste time announcing your about to attack, just attack. If you give then enemy fair warning, they might disappear in a cloud of smoke and then cast a giant curse." Gold said, glancing over at Henry.

"Alright, rule number two." David said, he then quickly hit the sword away and then kicked Gold's leg, causing him to fall, before grabbing Gold's sword from his hand and pointing it at him. "Never take your eyes off your opponent, even for a moment."

"Which brings us to the third rule." Gold then brought one of his arms up swinging, with David's sword in hand. Gold then jumped up and punched David in the face, causing him to drop his sword as he fell to the ground, Gold then walked around so that he was out of arms reach but still have the blade at David's throat. "Always mind your surroundings." And then with a flick of his wrist, sent the other sword flying a good 20 feet away. "And make sure you keep track of where every weapon on the field is."

Gold then withdrew his sword and allowed David to stand up. He then went to retrieve the sword. Henry went up and talked to Gold, quietly. "Can you fight him with magic please?"

Gold just had to smirk, alright. And then he disappeared.

And reappeared behind David as he was bending over to pick up his sword, kicking him so he fell to the ground.

David just looked at him, shocked, before grabbing the sword, and jumping to his feet began to fight Gold.

They traded three blows before Gold disappeared, confusing David before he got smacked on the back of his head, luckily by the blunt side of the sword. "Keep your head on a swivel." Gold said as they fought. But then did it again to David. "If you had been fighting more than one man, you'd be dead twice now."

Gold and David then continued fighting. Gold easily blocking his blows.

In fact, Henry noticed that Gold only went on the offensive in these fights after two minutes of blocking David's blows, quickly beating David within 30 seconds or so of doing so. Henry quickly realized that Gold was toying with David.

And David must have realized this to, after the 9th round or so, because his attacks were getting a lot more violent.

The 15th round, Gold just started poping in and out, all around David, hitting him with his cane. Hit the knee, then the back, then his but, then this head, then his forehead, then his elbow. "What next Henry?" Gold yelled, blocking the metal sword David was swinging wildly with his wood cane.

"Swipe his feet out from under him." Henry yelled."

David just looked at Henry, shocked. "Henry, really-eeeeee." David said, the last part being lengthened by Gold doing just that, David landing humorously on his back.

* * *

All the while, Emma and Mary were sitting back in chairs, watching. "Pay up."

Mary just huffed and handed Emma a $5 bill. Emma put it on a steadily growing stack. "Oh come on, you made the bet, and it could be worse."

"How could it be worse? David is getting whopped."

"He could be losing to his future son in law; instead he's losing to the guy that already married his daughter."

Mary just looked at Emma sideways. "How is that better?"

"If he was losing to his future son in law, he'd have lost all credibility in trying to be the intimidating father to get Gold away from me by now. And he's making Gold look good for Henry." And then David lost the 16th round. "Pay up."

Mary just sighed, but then realized she was out of 5s. "Will you take an I-oh-you?"

* * *

 **I hope you all like this one.**

 **And yes grace, I do ship Rumple with people. I've tried and can even see WickedGold (ZelenxGold), RedGold, GoldenSwan (A favorite and what this chap is), even WhiteGold (SnowxGold).**

 **But, for a plethora of reasons, after going and re-looking over their relationship, and the fact that the show is currently sinking that ship, I can't believe in RumplexBelle anymore.**

 **It just seems like she is always wanting force him to change to fit her, not either her change, let it happen naturally, or withholding her love from him that gets to me.**

 **I actually have a one-shot in the works that will explain this more in depth. I hope to get it done before the next planetary alignment, but that only gives me 802 years to get it done so I'm not sure if I will be fast enough.**


	3. Author Note

D-Day.

Today, this day, the10th of December, 2015,

A day which will live in infamy.

(At least for me)

My dear readers, sorry that I have not updated, anything, really, like I said I would try. Recent events have been rather demanding.

I realize that, among other things, perhaps giving myself a writing challenge to post a short piece each day was a poor choice given the fact that in less than 2 hours after publishing this, I will be in court testifying to try and save, and I am not misinterpreting or misusing or over stating that word, my younger sisters form having to live with a horrid leach of a man, namely my father.

Who is an underhanded, lying, cheating, racist/colorist, sexist, religious-ist (technically not a word, I know), homophobic, perverted, sociopathic, narcissistic, manipulative, _ (insert your choice of expletive/obscenity/something-to-make-a-trucker-in-the-navy-blush).

Did I forget to mention that he's an uncaring, violent (physically and orally), temperamental (no fuse), and just not a good person. Just for the record, he is a deadbeat, a cheater, and a thief, in every sense of the terms, who is only doing this because of mom asking for more child support. **He's only pay $50** a piece right now, **nothing else** , no alimony, not spousal support, none of his LARGE outstanding debts.

He also has three degrees, 2 mom payed for, and has said that he avoids working a better job and/or a second one to **avoid** paying more child support ( he said this to us children), even though he constantly complains **TO US** children that he is penniless and will no doubt starve or become homeless because he has to pay for **LIFE SAVING MEDICAL BILLS FOR IS CHILDREN.**

AND, he is an affair having, shameless, taking pictures of women's buts at my sisters sporting events, and looking at **PORN** on what were at the time called " **THE CHILDRENS COMPUTERS** ".

But, it's a no fault (Godless, moral-less, backward) state. So caring about the fact that he's a poor example of a man, a sexual deviant (a word I am not using lightly), and a lying thief just goes to show how bigoted and not understanding I am. Because "no one got hurt" (immediately) by his actions, it's all alright.

Never mind the fact that, especially when it comes to my youngest sister, the fallout from all the things he has done has been truly earth shattering.

But this is the American 2015's court system, and because he didn't do anything illegal (he did actually, but charges were not pressed) he can ask for 50/50.

And because in a court you have to be polite and swearing and being hyperbolic weakens your testimony, I am doing such where it won't matter.

Any prayers, well wishing, and so forth would be nice. Luckily, I am not going to be highly effected by any decisions thanks to my age, but younger siblings are not so fortunate.

Pray for NO OVERNIGHTS (that is really all we want, and for those of you who know anything about law, is exactly what he wants), no time increase, and hopefully more child support.

And just for the record, mom was willing to take less if it meant no overnights, even less then what it would be with overnights, but he's an unreasonable so and so who wants to look good and make it seem like he's a good man, something he USES his CHILDREN to do regularly.


	4. Karaoke Night

**How this came into being, I won't bore you with the details, but I had it and now I must write it.**

 **For those perhaps unfamiliar with the fine points of grammar, this is important.**

 **A , is used to signify a half pause. A . is used to signify a full pause. And … is a long pause. A good way to keep time is with a clap. , = 1 clap . = 2 claps … = 4 claps.**

 **So when people are singing. It's Oh (clap) when the saints (clap) go marching in (clap) Oh when the saint go marching in (clap) Oh Lord I want to be in that number (clap)(clap) When the saints go marching in (clap) (clap) (clap) (clap).**

 **00000000000000000000000000**

"Emma." Gold said smiling, pulling out a chair for her to sit. "Can I get you anything?"

"No, thank you." Emma said, wondering what was going on. She had got a call fro Gold a few hours ago, asking if she and her parents were free for the evening, and inviting them to the rabbit hole.

Emma was hesitant, David was against it, but Mary Margret won out because, well, she was Mary Margret.

Emma was about to ask, but then David beat her to it as he and Mary sat down. "What is going on Gold?" His suspicion dripping from his words.

"Just something I thought you would all enjoy." Gold said innocently.

David wanted to say more, but was interrupted by Ruby and Granny sitting down at another table near by. "Hi guys." Ruby said. "You got invited to?"

"Yes." Mary said, now also curious about why they were all here.

But then Archie, Regina, Leroy in a white shirt with a bag, all the other dwarves, and even Henry came inside.

"Okay, what is going on?" David asked, not likening the large gathering, or that Gold somehow managed to get so many people here.

"And what is Henry doing here?" Emma asked, more concerned with her son in a bar then anything else.

"I convince the owner and Regina it would be fine." Gold said smiling, and then the lights started to dim. "Now shhhh. It's starting." Gold said, looking at the far end of the room where the lights were still on full.

Someone came up and put up a sandwich board with writing on it. 'Karaoke Night.'

Then, to the jaw dropping awe of all those there, Hook came out, dressed in a white church choir robe, holding a tambourine, looking like he made a wrong turn on his way to church for practice.

When he saw the crowd, a look of murderous rage passed over his face, that settle on Gold.

He walked over to the microphone, and taking a moment, smiled like a person who went to a party and has spent the last hour taking pictures and there aunt said 'just one more'.

"Hello Storybroke. My Name is Killian Jones, and… today I will be singing for you…" He had to take a moment to look over his notes. "Um, 'When the Saints go Marching in'. I am singing it because…" He sudenly looked like he was having stomach problems. "I have always wanted to sing in the Greek Corse, and this seems like the next best thing. Thank you."

Killian then took a step back and brought his tambourine up to the microphone, and began singing, off key, banging on the tambourine off beat.

 _Oh when the saints, oh when the saints,_

 _Oh when the saints go marching in,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…"_

Then Leroy, who had been sitting behind Gold, leaned forward. "I'm going to get you for this stilskin."

Then he stood up, pulling a tambourine from his bag, and shrugging of his coat to reveal his own choir robes.

 _"Oh, when the, drums begin to bang,_

 _Oh when the drums begin to bang,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…"_

He then started to march toward Killian. They began a call and response on the first two lines, with Killian calling and Leroy responding.

 _Oh, when the stars, fall from the sky,_

 _Oh when the stars fall from the sky,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…"_

Then, for reasons that would surely be interesting to learn, the rest of the dwarves, Archie, and several other men who Emma didn't know, but who she would describe as lumberjack like, stood up, revealing robes of there own. Some with tambourines, some without. The four lumberjacks remained where they were, clapping as they moved side to side. The rest went on stage, singing the whole time.

 _"Oh, when the moon, turns red with blood,_

 _Oh when the moon turns red with blood,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…_

 _Oh, when the trumpet, sounds its call,_

 _Oh when the trumpet sounds its call,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…"_

Everyone was laughing at this point, or looking for a form of ear protection, because the Greek Corse they were not. The new singers now joined Leroy in the response, leaving Killian with the call.

 _"Oh, when the horsemen, begin to ride,_

 _Oh when the horsemen begin to ride,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…_

 _Oh, when the fire, begins to blaze,_

 _Oh when the fire begins to blaze,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…_

 _Oh, when the saints, go marching in,_

 _Oh when the saints go marching in,_

 _Oh Lord I want to be in that number._

 _When the saints go marching in…"_

They then all lined up on stage, and took a bow.

"How on earth did you manage this Gold?" Emma asked.

"A few threat here, a few favors called in there." He said, chuckling. "Just be glad I didn't ask you to join in."

"Ha." Emma laughed. "As if you could get me to do that."

"Well, you do owe me one." He said, smiling deviously.

 **000000000000000000000000000000**

Post credit scene

 **000000000000000000000000000000**

Killian and Leroy singing a duet into the karaoke machine.

 _"When the truth is found,_

 _To be lies._

 _And all the joy,_

 _Within you dies._

 _Don't you want somebody to love._

 _Don't you need somebody to love._

 _Wouldn't you love somebody to love._

 _You better find somebody to love, love…"_

 **000000000000000000000000000000000**

Second post credit scene

 **000000000000000000000000000000000**

Mary Margret and David.

 _"The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,_ (Mary)

 _Are also on the faces, of people going by,_ (David)

 _I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do._ (Mary)

 _They're really saying, I love you…_ (Both)

 **00000000000000000000000000000000**

Third one. (Ha, I beat you Marvel.)

 **0000000000000000000000000000000**

Emma at the machine, with Regina. Because Henry begged, and they promiced they would before he told them what the song would be.

"We will never speak of this again." Regina said.

"Agreed." Emma said.

Then, the lyrics for their duet began.

 _"Oh, I'm a Gummy Bear yes,_

 _Yeah, I'm a Gummy Bear, yeah,_

 _Oh, I'm a Yummy, tummy, Funny, Lucky Gummy Bear…._

 _I'm a Jelly bear, Cuz I'm a Gummy bear,_

 _Oh I'm a movin' groovin' Jammin' Singin' Gummy Bear…_

 _Oh Yeah!"_

The next part they butchered, unsure about what was on the screen.

 _"Boing day ba duty party._

 _Boing day ba duty party._

 _Boing day ba duty party party pop."_

 **000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

 **So, what do you think?**

 **For the record, no, I am not on a controlled substance, high, or currently moments away from death, I hope.**


End file.
